In the evening yesterday Cmoko and I finnished the last DVD of Lord of the Rings. To be precise: A film of LotR. There are still 6 DVDs of extras left though.

Let alone if we would want to listen to all of the films with all of the commentaries on. I think there are 7 per film. And if we count that on average the film lasts 3h50, that would mean that we'd need to spend before TV another 96 hours!!!! I'll spell it for ya: ninety-six hours. And again, that's without extras!! That's another week. And then I wander: who the hell is going to do all this!? Who has time to watch all that on a tv? Even to see all the films in an uncut for in a heroic action. But my Cmoko wanted all the 12 special-super-ladidah-edition. Now he's gotta see it all!! heh heh...
apart from the fact, that I cannot stand Frodo. I cannot stand his film portrayal: the bloke (Elijah Wood) bites his fingers, which is really disgusting, and he has about two facial expressions throughout the film. No: all 3 films! And then, and then he doesen't even want to let go od the goddamn ring. AAAAA!
Anyway, it doesen't matter. I really want to finnish the reading of the book. There are two problems: the book is at a friend's house, a friend I haven't seen in years (so I believe the book to be lost) and secondly I really have to time to read it. I have just enough time to read the things I have to read for my thesis.

I'm glad that Tolkien's wonderful mythology was put to film. :D

I just came back from my shopping. The best vegetables one can get around here are in Turkish or Moroccan shops. But they were all closed. Which I thought was very weird. They are usually open even after closing times, hehe, what do they care!

I realized - well not really, it was written on one of the shops: closed due to Bayram. Hmmm ok. I knew Ramadan and that is has been going for a while now, but had no idea that Bayram is.
Now I know: it's the end of Ramadan, and in Arabic it's called Eid ul-Fitr عيد الفط I could not resist the script in arabic, hehe. My very short version for those who don't know what that means, its an Islamic holiday that marks the end of Ramadan, the month of fasting. It's a very happy day for Muslims; It is a day of forgiveness, moral victory and peace, of congregation, fellowship, brotherhood and unity. Muslims are not only celebrating the end of fasting, but thanking God for the help and strength that they believe He gave them throughout the previous month to help them practice self-control. They usualy don't work (hence the closed shops) and visit friends and family, celebrating Bayram.


The truth : I had no idea what is was. And why do I write this? Because of all the things that go on in the world all the "problems" that we have with Muslims. But are tehy really problems? I myself am an atheist and am interested in many religions, from a social and cultural way. So I was bnaturally shocked that i know so little about Islam. The religion we talk about so much nowadaays and are so quick to criticize. But do we really know it? Can we be against something we don't even know?

The city (and it's a capital of a country within the European Union!) I come from has a problem with a mosque. But what is really the problem? Well, that there is none. And that the Muslims would like to have one. ONE. But people are against. Against what?!? The minarets that everyone will be able to see? The dome-type structure? The fact that it is a counrty of mainly Catholic religion?
No. Well, honestly all of the above, but the reason also is: we are affraid that they will train islamic terrorists on our soil. Please, it they wanted to do this, they don't need a mosque! Is that a good enough reason to forbid someone to worship in a proper enviroment? Perhaps. But just supposition is not good enough. Let's not turn into terrified Americans, please. Let's be more wise and give them a chance.

The problems with imigraton of other cultures is not in that they are different, the problems is that we don't know who they are. But do we take time to find out? Do we go inline and see what it means to be a Muslim, Catholic, Budhist...? At least on an academic level. I'm sure we would understand eachother more, there would be hence lees missunderstandings and we could live with one another with respect and in symbiosis.

And that does not only go for religion. It's a general rule for life. Try to find out more about your neighbour. I'm sure you'll understand him/her/them more.

After talking to all three Germans yesterday and another one today, I was told that it was the World Soccer Championship in Germany this summer '06 that made them more free as far as the use of their national flag goes. That they were not ashamed by being nationalistic and that they realized that they can also show their patriotic nature with such symbols as flag, without being labeled nazistic.

Am really happy for them. I'm sure it's difficult to get the weight of responsability off your chest.

To be quite honest, the one flag I really cannot stand at the moment is Stars and Stripes. I get shivers down my spine when I see it... Therefore no American flag on my blog!


OK I promise now to stop with the whole Germany business...

Gute nacht und schlaf gut!

Last night Cmoko and I went to a house-warming party. I love that expression. We made the house warm. mmmmmm

While there I started talking to three Germans. A rather dull conversation of the general: what do you do, how long have you lived here and the sort, was changed into a very interesting discussion. The whole scenario went a bit like this: A girl with a lip piercing asked me Where are you from. I go Slovenia. Aaaaa, ok. Then she asks the rest And you guys? Upon which they answer Germany. And she: Oh god, you're everywhere, Germans, aren't you?. I need to point out that the girl was from Austia. LOL of all the countries. But fine. This trigered one of the Germans (the girl whose name escapes me) to ask me, why do all foreigners hate Germany and Germans. A question I was a bit astonished by... I was silent for a while and in the mean time she uttered another thought: Why do we still have to pay for the things that happened 60 years and more ago!? Ahaaa, so this is the problem. I said that it certainly is not thaaaat bad and then she told me that while she was in Portugal a 16 year-old girl told her that because of her (being a German) her grand parents were killed!!! Oops...



But the whole question did not give me peace. Do we really not like Germans because of the wars? Do we not like them because they are punctual, work oriented, humorless, wealthy, the biggest nation in Europe, drive BMWs and Mercedes'?

But war did leave a big impact on the people and their perception. One of my grand-fathers was imprisoned in Dachau, his brother died in Ebensee in Austria. My other grand.father was in the partisans... For a long time I wanted to aks every German that I met, what did their ancesters do during the war. Now it does not matter aymore. I don't want to know. I know what mine did and I let it rest...

I do however get upset when people start to solicitor any kind of untolerance, be it sexual, rasist, national, religious, you name it...

Bottom line: I don't like all Germans, and I don't dislike them all. I love some and I don't care about the others. I love some English and could not care less about the others... I don't like someone just because that poor soul was born in a certain country. Daft.

We certainly do not live our life in an isolated universe. We exist through other people, who mirror us, who show us our real selves, who form us. These are firstly our parents, our friends and our partners. But this is all social theory that I would not like to preach. Is boring.

The point I would like to make is that everyone has (or should have) at least one person which is really close but is not intimately involved. Intimacy really spoils the deep friendship bond between two people. And no matter how we try not to take that into account things are never the same.

I was fortunate to develop a very strong friendship with Milady. It is really the hard times that bring people together, isn’t' it? One can have a lot of fun and numerous parties and still not develop a strong bond, but it is the people that witness us in the hardest of days that stay with us for a lifetime. And we with them. My relationship with Milady started with me feeling all miserable in January 2003 as I have described in (perhaps too) detailed way in the previous post. Not only that I left the safe cradle of my parent's home, I left Cmoko, I also went abroad to do something that I haven't really done before. I was on a totally new territory – 3 times new. And after the whole excitement was gone, I was left with bitterness and doubt and most of all: insecurity. No. Better: insecurities. And there were many of them of many different degrees. One of the reasons that I stayed here and did what I still do (and am the happiest person doing it) and be who I am is definitely the deed of the best friend I’ve ever had.
She's the one I can laugh to tears with, she's my harshest critic and does not spare a hard word when I'm stupid – that’s quite often too ;)) She's my biggest supporter in what I do and is ceaseless in putting me back to earth (either from the abyss or sky). During the hard day that I had there were two things keeping me above water: love to Cmoko and friendship to Milady. Not only that she served as my psychologist but also as someone I was able to have fun with and was able to make me see that my life is not dependent on my being with Cmoko. Something I also try to tell to others in the same position.

We all need someone special who is the one that smacks us in times when we are unable to be realistic enough to realize what is happening to us.

And now this pic that we’ve seen with Milady yesterday: it a Darth Vader in a 17th Century vestibule. We walked past by it and I thought it’s such a surreal situation… But you know that old Latin proverb: de gustibus non est disputandum.

I have been very bad lately... no posts at all. The reason or excuse was that I was really busy, then my phone/camera was fucking up and like on purpose did not want to take any photos, and now I have a problem with all those goddamn pictures that i have in the phone and cannot get rid of them. LOL

I was thinking the other day about the blogs... they are mainly read by other bloggers (don't you just love English - you can just invent a word and it sound as though it has been around for ages!!). What kind of people are we that we put things publicly and even more what kind of people are we that we read other's post, usually full of personal stuff, some real some fictional. I suppose we're all a bit exhibitionistic in one way of the other.

Which bring me to another subject: i read a post on one of the blogs about the following: he's in a great relationship and his boyfriend went for a business trip for four days and his world almost stopped. I started thinking about my own relationship and this is where this blog entry really begins:


I fell madly in love one winter day (and they say the spring is time to fall in love - I say bllllllll to that). We really fell in love on one specific moment which we both remember very clearly. We knew it was it. IT! We've been together ever since. All magnificent 5 years, 8 months and 12 days! Sublime. After a years and a half I decided though(even I always say it was OUR decision) that i move away. Away means 1200 (almost exactly) kilometres from him. I just had to pursue my dream and I'm lucky that he wanted me to pursue my dream too. The first separation was ok. We cried a bit, but I was too involved in my own selfish expectation of living in a foreign city with a different language and culture, adventures here I come! He came to visit and it was great. I still remember where it was how my room looked like and what my feeling were. Then the separation on the airport. Then me coming home for Christmas and New Year and the hardest separation ever. I did not want to leave, did not want to go back to that cold, rainy country to live without him. To wake up every morning without him, go to bed alone. To cook and eat alone, though knowing that far away there's someone I can share all these thing with. All my laughs, all my jokes, all my sadness and low moments. And all we had were sporadic phone calls, text messages and mails.
I had the worst time of my life. The January of 2003. I was actually hoping that something horrible would happen in the country, like an earthquake, a flood (which is here more likely), anything please, just so that I would have a reason to come home. Home to my Cmoko. I had constant pain in my solar plexus and could not sleep. I missed him so much and could not relax, could and would not live my own life. Did not want to be happy, because I believed the only time I can really be happy was with HIM. Then something happened. During yoga lessons I explained to my teacher what my situation was. She suggested that what I did is took a part of him - or that he gave a part of himself into me and that this is now disturbing my peace of mind. I went home and meditated. I sat on the floor and thanked him for the love that he is giving me. I thanked him for the piece of him that I carry around with me and told him that I don't need it. That it's his. That he should have it back. I asked him to take it back so that he be whole again, because that is how I love him - whole. I cried like a child. For hours. Next day I was better. And the day after also. Sometimes it came back and I always just observed it, looking at the pain and thanking it that it was there, because it made me remember what I have. And it always went away the next day. And sometimes it stayed for days. OK, I thought to myself. He will take it back again. And he always did.

I thought that the first separation will be the hardest and then it will get easier, that we will get used to it... illusions are of course by their nature sweet. Every time it was even harder. And after 3 years I promised myself that this is the last year we live this wretched life.... and of course it was not meant to be. We had to endure another year.

We both had to learn how to live without something we came to love so much. Without the touches, kisses, without the smell, smiles and the sound of the voice. Since the moment I cured myself I realized that I am not dependant on him. That love is not supposed to be kept in a little box somewhere, even though it is in the middle of your heart, but should be alive and out there. That love means being happy yourself and being happy making your loved one happy. That if I have fun and enjoy my time without him it does not mean that I don't love him anymore. And vice-versa.

Some people live apart for a very long time, we believe that 4 years was quite enough. And now since August we live together. In this cold, rainy and dark country. And you know what? It's not that rainy and cold and dark....

I love sunsets..... mmmmmmm

Ugh, long time no post. This whole project with a picture a day is not working out. Either I find nothing interesting to take a picture of, or i forget to do it...

Nothing much has been going on from Thursday. We had a really nice Saturday, were lying in bed until midday and had one of those magnificent morning sex. Then we went to the city and I bought some plants. 4 pots of Saintpaulias ionantas and then I read in my book about house plants - given to me by my mum and dad for my 14th birthday (and they did not suspect I was gay!?!?!), that there is a very special Saintpaulia called Rhapsody, but is cultivated in very limited amounts and the cultivation is very supervised. I WANT THAT ONE!

Then we went to buy some DVD's and I saw these two guys, that I have never seen before. What struck me is how they were dressed: completely alike!!! Both had white sneakers, dark blue jeans, brown jackets and grey jumpers with hoods. I was stunned. What makes people dress alike?? They were obviously not a couple, though that would not justify the deed in any way. Is it the sense of belonging that makes us dress the sam way? Is it the fashion guidelines that dictate us so much and we are unable or unwilling to go the other way? Or is it simply that the cheap companies like C&A, H&M, Zara, Mexx and the like just make the same type of cloaths and people feel they have to wear them?! I remember that years ago we were appaled by the Chinese communist grey uniforms that all the population was supposed to wear. Are we any better? Trully you don't think that the choise between dark blue and slightly paler shade of blue is any different.



Today Milady, Cmoko and I had a great trip out! We went to one of the most pleasant town in this country, the sun was warm and it was a perfect autumn day. Then we had a concert in one of the most amazing houses for only a handfull of people but it was really the sense of the old Schubertiade. The lady of the house was very nice indeed and made our stay after the concert really something special. Now I'm back home and just about to go to bed.

Two more pics.... on the first one you see a rather strange bulk of flesh on the pavement:
that's my Cmoko being silly in taking a photo!! You would be surprised to see to what lenghts he goes for a good photo :))))


The other one is just a reminder of a great town. We shall be back!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I love libraries!!! All that knowledge. Well sometimes a pile of crap too, but generaly tons and tons, meters and meters of books, all with different tenor, personality, wisdom or perhaps just plain old entertainment. And you just walking about, finding thing you never even thought they exist. Books like: Hyperfunctions on hypo-analytic manifolds, or Some approximations to the exact distribution of sample autocorrelations for autoregressive moving average models . I love them in German too, they sound sooo scientific Aspekte zeitgenössischer Realismustheorie : besonders des bundesdeutschen Sprachrealismus.
And then the ones I love to read: Pippi Longstocking or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Heh heh. But seriously (apart from the fact that the two books above are amazing). I just love to browse through books and find things I never thought I'd know. And now I do. I might forget it in two days, but that's beside the point. :)) Everyone should have a passion for something. Mine in knowledge. mmmmmmm boooooooks

Cmoko came back on Sunday and we spent long time hugging and kissing and then talking about what went on during the weekend. It was just like it's supposed to be. He came home. Home to me. Home to us! And it was great being at home and waiting for him. Hearing his keys in the house doors and pretending I watch a film when he came in. Getting out of the sofa and hug his body with cold cloaths on! Kissing his cold lips and warming them up with mine. The wedding was great and they stayed up till 6AM, so he was naturally somewhat tired. But we still did not manage to go to bed till 1AM.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Liebling, I just want to kick his arse to the Moon! Men are wankers and mostly just a fucking irritating fuckmachines. Egoistic fuckwits that only care about themselves and usually think with their bottom head. Mostly they are hypochondriacs, feeling sorry for themselves AT ALL times and cry a fucking river when it doesn't go their way. I know: I am one! ;) But what can we do? The old abused saying is soooo correct: cannot live with them and is even worse without them.

What is it in the male-female behaviour that makes them misread so many signs? Tons of books have been written on the subject and there still does not seem to be aby different. Perhaps they are just full of shit. Perhaps it's just the it's supposed to be. A big mess. I don't know. Perhaps it's easier with same-sex relationships. Who knows. Do you?

Anyway this is a pic of a music I do now. I love it! I love French music. Is so sensual and dancelike. I watched one of my favourite films not long ago with three of my favourite things: Louis XIV, dance and music. If you're into culture and history you have to see "le roi dance" with gorgeous Benoit Magimel (Cmoko is crazy about him) as Le roi soleil. I think I really need to go to live to France. Either I will love it, or start hating it completely.