Was weird waking up and getting out of bed without Cmoko. To have breakfast alone. Felt so lonsome the whole day. Did not feel like the years before when I was here alone. Felt somehow even more strange. But am happy since he comes back tomorrow. Yupiiiii. Apparently the wedding was a success. Did not hear of a big fiasco and the couple is not thinking about the divorce.heh heh Which is great.

Was looking at the wedding rings online today. We have the rings chosen already, and I wanted to see them again. So I went to check it online. And then I saw it!! Oh my god, there it is!! WOW And then I saw another one and went: no, it's this one. And then another one that looked almost the same as the first two. Goddam, I have no idea now anymore which one is THE one. uaaaaaa... and I thought that I'd recognise it the moment i'd see it. Oh well. I bet the photos are really pants. And when I see it live it'll all come clear like a nice sunny spring day.

Had a great dinner with Liebling and Monsieur Baker, and had a discussion about the Wednesday missunderstanding with Milady. Well sometimes friends act like absolute wankers and sometimes the patterns from the past make us react in a certain way. In order to change that we would really have to work hard on our social skills, but who is ever prepared to do so. Well I am... trully. It's worth fighing for people one cares about!

Still no photos, will be uploaded on Sunday... when Cmoko comes home, hurrah!

Well I made a really nice pic, but cannot put it on the blogg. The reason is as follows: after starting to live together on August 14th, it's the first time that we're not sleeping together. Cmoko went home today, to attend his Uncle's wedding. To be a best-man. My my, his first wedding and a best-man too! And he took the cable with him, or so it seems... hmmm... well I reckon I'll add it later.


Today started with Cmoko's leave. It was not 10 minutes after he left the house that my phone rang. The trains to the airport were cancelled and he needed information of how to get there a.s.a.p. He managed to be there on time and not miss the plane, and it took me to get to my destination in 1h30min, though it usually takes me 40 min.

Had a very very nice talk with Milady, over a glass of wine and some tapenades. Like the good old days. I love her! And she gained to much selfconfidence and is the woman of the moment! She cuts the rug! Which I hope and pray (a bit strange for an atheist) will last very looooong time.
Then I went through the city on foot, it was a nice and warm autumn evening. I ended in a shop buying some Armani underwear and gorgeous fine leather gloves. mmmm cannot wait for winter! heh heh

The feeling of Cmoko not being there was very strange. I was still not home, but just the fact that he's not going to be at home when I come there was very bizzare. Though I lived my life like that for four years, sending him text-messages about what I'm doing. We get used to things so quickly it never cease to amaze me.
I realized how much I love him and how much I need him to be with me, not only phychically but also psysically.

Some years ago a friend at the time - we grew apart thence - said to me that it's not healthy that I need him so much, that it makes me addicted and no addiction is good. I dissagree. I LOVE this addiction! I cannot live without it and if this is my only addiction and my only drug, I'm really happy to be a drug addict!

Cmoko, have a great time tomorrow, don't fcuk it up too much on the wedding (in style of forgeting, loosing or throwing rings all over the church). And then come back to your Medo, who loves you so much.

Nočko!

To be honest I did not want to publish anything yesterday. Was a nice easy day, did some practise on Sibelius and Lully (can it get more diverse?). The reason for not posting was dinner that I had with Milady and Liebling. Or rather afterdinner talk. Was I being unreasonable by talking to them openly like I believe it should be between friends. I was still under impression of the evening and wanted some distance.
How far can one go in commenting other people's relationships? I guess not to far. The thing is even people who are most sure about their relationship cannot stand constant critique about them. I know - I was there. Not that anybody criticized my relationship with Cmoko, but there were a lot of things going around me with other couples: fights, break-ups, getting togethers... and I automatically refered everything to my relationship.
This situation now is somewhat different. I believe naively that sex in a relationship comes after a development of strong feelings towards someone. Can a good relationship start from sex? I guess it can. Who am I to say no? Who am I to cast doubts on someone's relationship? No one! And that's how it will stay.

A very importatnt decission from yesterday's talk: speak only when asked. Even among friends. I believe this puts distance between people which is bad. But things might change in future too.

And another decission: don't be jealous of friends who want the same thing you already have. I'm blessed to have him. And would not give him for the world...

Girls, I'm so happy about both of you, I just don't want you to get hurt. I know it's a very fatherly attitude and I don't want to be like that to you. Love you both so much. Go girls. Will be getting my tux out soon, hehe... I'm here in either development of events! big kiss

Nothing important today. Was cosy in the morning with Cmoko in bed, got up at 11 again. Grrrrr... but chuffed at the same time. Did some shopping and got that jacket, hurrah!!! Finally.

I did something important after all. Gave Cmoko a haircut!! Needs to be said that he's a very brave man, letting me do it, haha. Already before moving here he insisted that I will have to do it. So I had lessons on Cmoko from my hairdresser back home. A great hairdresser and a marvelous man, husband of my friend. Since Cmoko is not inclined to any complications (unlike some others I know, heh heh) that makes my work somewhat easier. All I have to do is use an electric razor. But please, if you think that it's easy just buzzing about someone's head and voila! there's a nicely trimmed hairdo, think again! That's why I had to do it about 3 times and almost run out of hair... poor Cmoko. And even worse, since he has to look absolutely spiffing on his uncle's wedding on Saturday! What a pressure! Well the final product is nice, somewhat short (khm), but very nice for the first unsupervised hairdo, even if I say so myself. I'll have a next go in about two months. Or rather three at this lenght of hair... ;))

Had a very nice diner at our house with Mme. la Princesse. It was nice seeing her other then only on business. Funny how people are different when they speak a foreign language. Some people change completely. The become more reserved and held back. I wish Cmoko could speak French... oh well, cannot have it all, ah?

This is a perfect photo of how I felt today. I had a very good conversation with my sister this morning about my parents and their relationship to me. It's all fine as long as it's only me on my own. As soon as I "present" myself with Cmoko, problems arise. I felt depressed and was down mainly because I think that these things should be over and dealt with already. I've been gay my whole life; I had girlfriends to fit into the picture frame of the society I lived in and the one of my parent. As children we always seem to want to please. I wanted even more so. Perhaps because I knew that it will all come out once and Lo! beware thunder and lightning. It was not as bad as I expected, but I lived abroad already one year before I came out to my parents.
Anyway, things seem to be getting nowhere at the moment. As I said, if I come alone is all fine and we're all a happy family, if I mention Cmoko a bit less so, and if I want him to come too, there's trouble. I cannot and will not stand this belittlement. Everyone knows I'm gay, all my family all my friends, only my parents want to act as though it's not really true. All my cousins and my sister always bring partners or spouses to familly gatherings. No one even considers even to think about the fact that I would also want to bring Cmoko along (not that he would be very happy to go anyway - can't blame him). To them I'm supposed to be single, though not quite, since everyone knows I do have a partner. And that he's male. A bizzare situation.
Today it all started because of my mum's birthday celebration preparations and she had no intention whatsoever to invite Cmoko. After being with him for well over 5 years I find this unexceptable! My sister stepped in and she's now the mediator, or so it seems. She's a very wise and prudent woman and knows how to play these games. I usually just explode and then we fight. We will see what will happen in the end. Am really intrigued.
I am prepared to go all the way, I really am. This is no longer a juvenile fling I have. I will not change. If my parents have problem with this, they should solve it. Seek help. I don't know. I had my share of battles getting into terms with my homosexuality. I layed down arms long ago and am a man of peace now. This is how I intend to stay.

So a black day, but with two nice bright rays. It's never just black is it? :)))

I was away yesterday almost the whole day. Well, left house with Cmoko at 9AM and got back to the house at 1AM. I had two concert recitals on one day, which is somewhat a lot. One at 12 in a house of a reall gentelman and his sweet wife. It's great to be around people you hardly know and are old enough to be your grand-parents, but are so nice and there's such a good and friendly connection from the very start. The key to this is: respect. Something my parents cannot understand. My mother and father still cannot accept I'm gay and my mum keeps putting forward it's due to the generation gap. And there I was with Cmoko, at a house of people old enough to be my parent's parents and all that did not matter. What matters is how one is open and how much respect there is. And respect in a two-way road. You give some, you get some. You give a lot - you receive a lot. Sure, I'm not these old people's child, but why should that matter? Why should my parents have a problem with that. What are they afraid of???

Anyway, after the concert they took the three of us (me, Cmoko and Milady) over a river on one of those oldfashioned boats. It was great. I love little surprises like this!! Hurrah. We had so much fun, though the trip only lasts about 3 minutes, haha. Not to mention the climb on a mountain later. 5000 high. 5000cm.... heh heh!

The second concert was great too and the dinner after it even better... mmm love good gourmet food. "Mljac mljac" as my friend likes to put it. After that we were all pretty knackered. But it was a great Sunday. One to remember.

Weird day today. Went to bed at one and had to get up at 8AM. I love snoozing with my Cmoko by my side. Just to be aware that he is there, next to me in bed and all wraped up in the duvet. So that I can wrap myself around him too and fall asleep for anther 10 minutes. And then the radio starts again. Argh!

Took the train and tried to read, but was alas! not distracted by another interesting man, but by my sleep. I could not practise well and also the rehearsal was not my best ever. But hey, you cannot have it all, ah?

Went to the concert of a choir and was really nice. It's strange being in a foreign country listening to a choral music of your homeland. Give a special kind of feeling. Music really evokes the most hidden and private emotions. If you're open enough for that.

After coming home Cmoko, having bought another 5 CDs - two operas, started putting them in order. And he wants everything alphabetically (and so do I to be honest), which with a growing amount of composers in our discoteque presents a bit of a problem. Which results - as you can clearly see - in rearranging the whole cd shelf. Some people have time on their hands ;))

CMOKO, LJUBIM TE!

I saw a great guy on the train today. He almost came and sit with me, but he went to sit next to an older women just across the aisle. Which was very good - gave me more possobilities to observe him. He was (well still is) blond, tall and very cute. But it was not his being handsome that cought my attention. The whole time of my travel I tried to read a book, but was constantly distracted by his energy. I have no idea how old he was; could be 25 and looked more mature or mid thirties but looked youger. I guess it was his selfawarness, confidence, complete peace that was so remarcable. His warmt and kindness. I was really happy I saw him. Have no idea how old he is, where he's from, what's his name, how his voice sounds... Don't want to know all these things... I got a glimps of his good energy and felt great.


Of course I have not taken a pic of him, that would be so wrong. He'll stay in my memory for a while. So as fleeting as the 15 min we were on the same train, such the photo from my window.

Yesterday was such a great day, sunny and warm. We had coffee and we talked about the very important stuff about you and your love life and how to go on. How my lovelive worked out during a four-year-old long-distance relationship and how important it is to know oneself. How can one love another if one doesn't even know who one is? How can you love somebody if that person does not know who he/she is?! How much is one supposed to give oneself in love and is one supposed to expect anything in return, or do we do thing in love completely selflessly? If so, why do we not all do the same. Does that mean that the other love less or not at all. How do we treat people that have been once burned in love?!? Ah, it was a great! Ich hab' dich sooo lieb, aber du weisst dass... kusschen!

So, finally after about two hours of reading manuals and messing about with both my phone and computer I somehow miraculously managed to get pictures from my phone to the computer and consenquently to my blog. Uf uf uf... what work!!

So firstly the photo from two days ago. I had a really good rehearsal and I was really really happy with the work. So I wanted to have sth to remind me of that. Hence the piano (and a bit my my pianist's foot, hehe).

I love the sight of a piano keyboard. Almost as much as I do the one of harpsichord. I love the great mathematical precission of keys and it's unequal equal distribution. And the harmonious beauty of the two oposits: white and black.

So, i took two photos one of two days ago and one for yesterday, but have no idea of how to put them on the page... hehehe. typical...

I've decited to take a photo a day and make some kind of photo diary and then post it to my blog. With a commentary. Well, we'll see if i can really make it a photo a day. If not, as the French say: tant pis!

Hmm, no photo today, was too busy shopping. Not much of a start, ah?

Does it ever happen to you that you go shopping for a specific thing and you end up buying shit load of other stuff, forgeting about that one thing that made you go out of the house? Well, today was one of those days. Buying books and kitchen stuff, so my Cmoko can cook better, buying DVDs and not the CD's we wanted to buy. Or that jacket from D&G. Damn. Well tomorrow is another day I reckon and shops are still opened.

On second thought I'll just post a pic from my comp and start the show. It's when Cmoko and I went to the beach on a lovely Sunday afternoon and pissed about with his new hi-tech phone. This is what came out and for the first try it's a nice pic...