HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!

Have a great 2007!

I wish you a lot of:

1. health
2. love
3. happiness
4. laughter
5. friendship
6. success
7. spare time
8. crazy adventures
9. beautiful sunsets
10. sweet kisses

Honestly, all the best!

My sister is pregnant! I'm so happy! Yippi!!!

I've known for a while, but in the beginning there are always - or can be, complications. So I did not want to really put it out there. Now things seem to be going well. For the Slovenian speakers, you can read her interesting blogg here:

freycha.blogspot.com

I am going to be an uncle. UNCLE! Don't really know what that actually means and entitles... But I wanna be the greatest uncle ever. And Cmoko the other greatest uncle ever!! We wanna take the child to holidays and buy him all the expensive gifts, just to annoy the parents, while we spoil the child completely. Heh heh!

I hope I can be around enough. It's a difficult relationship when one is very far away. I guess I'll just have to make it up for when I'm not there.

But do I want a child? Do we want to have a child. Always a difficult question when it comes to gay couples. I believe I do and Cmoko also. At the moment we're to busy getting our lives sorted out, busy with our careers. And then? Will I be too old. Obviously we would adopt. But I don't want a child to have a grand-father for his father.

There's another question: gay people cannot have children. Especially not men. So are we forsed to completely renounce these natural feelings just because two men cannot conceive a child? Is it the doing of a society? Or do gays just love themselves, their money and the whole gay (in the original sense of the word) lifestyle?

When I was a kid I always wanted a child so that someone would continue the tradition in which I was brought up. That someone would continue my line. That I would not leave this world forgotten. Is that bad? I reckon it's really quite natural (and I really mean natural). We are made to procreate so that we continue the species. It's really quite selfish. Well, we're doing something for the race, not just us personally.

So perhaps these thought are completely legitimate. But they are surely not enought a reason to have a baby. The child ought to be a crown of a realtionship. Should be the product of love. Should be wanted and loved. Should be the most unselfish act of your lives!

I love my sister and am so happy for her! Go girl! You deserve the happines you have. You are going to be the greatest mum! Big kiss!!

After living together since August, Cmoko and I invited a lot of people to come around and celebrate this important step. At the same time we did our birthday party - we have our birthdays only two days apart. I find that really cute!

We lit all the candles in the apartment, so that there was not artificial light. By this I mean electricity. It was really nice and a lot of people came. We had fun till 5 o'clock in the morning. Not a wild party but a relaxed one. So no throwing ups and destroying of the furniture. Well I suppose we're a bit over that teenage "oh how cool, let's get drunk" parties. Strangely, no drugs either. Which only confirms, when the company is right one does not need intoxicating substances.

We got a lot of presents and it was really flattering to hear the comments about us and our lives together. Mostly from the people that are single. But that's the way it is, isn't it? You always see something you yourself don't have. And the happiness of someone else always seems to be just a bit more perfect than your own.

And just because of that I decided to really enjoy my happiness with Cmoko the next day. I could not stop holding him, hugging him and kissing him. When I got up in the morning he was still sleeping. Well, he usually does, the lazy sod... I watched him for a long time. And then took that photo of him. As I write this he's still in bed. Probably in the same pose... hehe... Love you, miško!

I love winter! I think it's one of my favourite seasons if not THE favourite. I just love it when the weather becomes colder and bitter. Of course there are also things I don't like about winter, but there are things I don't like in any of the seasons.

I remember the days when we went to Krvavec, where my family owns a house. We would escape the foggy vale and lift over the white milky veil into the realm of the sun and glistening snow. The realm of the untouchable mountain peaks, wide views and infinite horizons. The cold was incredible and you could feel it in the nostrils. The coldness would sting a bit. And the nose would become red in a matter of seconds. And then the most obvious proof of the monstrous coldness: the creaking of the snow under your boots. The colder it would be – more creaky the sound under the shoes. I absolutely adore that feeling. It’s a dry coldness and does not hurt as much as the horrid humid and muggy cold of the cities.

I always wondered what is it that makes the image of winter so special. The colours are different the images of the places you know are changed.
It was only in the last week that I realized: the sun is so much lower on the vault. Compared to the summer the light comes on a much more direct was and under a bigger angle. The shadows become much longer and the vision a bit more curtained. It gives the nature an intriguing sense of mysteriousness and attraction.

I miss snow. I miss the terrible cold. I miss going to Krvavec with Cmoko, coming to the house, where there’s -5 degrees. We have to light the fire and unpack. To make the things warmer very fast we would have sex or just cuddle for a long time. Then eat and watch TV for a long time. Sleep a bit as well. Funny how clean winter mountain air makes you sleepy and tired at first. I would go skiing the next day, Cmoko does not ski. And he would cook…

I miss my Slovenia. I must stop thinking about past. Must realize that all I ever wanted is here by my side. Which makes me happy. Nostalgia is a dangerous bad habit. December does this to me…

I was surfing about the net this morning. Mostly blogs. And news, surely. I came across a lot of gay blogs. And most of them - 97% - only post pictures of more or less naked men and some even real pornographic material. Most of the verbal posts in these blogs are mildly said: shit.
Then there are some perfect ones, with great entries concerning the old evergreen stuff: love, life and universe.


What I wonder is: do gay people really have nothing else to talk about but cocks, muscles, arses and who they've fucked is who is still on the list?? Because usually when I do come across some of these gay "communities" these seem to be the only conversation topics. Ever. So why would I expect that the blogs these poor souls have would be any different?
My concern is: do they have nothing else to talk about? Are they intellectually so inferior all they can do is search for hot pics and repost them? Perhaps that is not the case at all and men and their body parts are the only thing they think about. Their sole purpose of living. Seeing other man's nipples, arse cheeks and dicks… Try to seduce them, and if not jerk off later in the privacy of their bedroom or public toilet. And then move to the next “victim”. To satisfy the next sexual urge and getting more and more frustrated.

Or is it that people just want to see sex? On the television, in the cinema, read in books and magazines, watch on internet. And they find that great. If everything else is crap there is a perfect solution: just throw in some sex and nudity and success is procured. I even saw a review of an opera performance (!) where the main role was sang by a tenor who was on stage completely naked, save a calf skin over his right shoulder. The Royal Opera's new production of Wagner's Das Rheingold features an opening scene with nearly nude Rhinemaidens, wearing only blue pubic wigs (!) and long hair. So sex and nudity also in the most strict and rigid of the art forms. To attract new audiences? Why would be exposing tits and cocks on operatic stage be such a draw for younger listeners? They surely get more from seeing a peep-show.

And then we have the famous rugby players. Years ago they’ve decided to make a calendar of the players – probably just the most sexy ones, almost nude. Needless to say the women and gays went nuts. All those gods au naturel! And so they are called Dieux de Stade. Only this year, some of them went the full monty. Some of them I’ve chosen for this blog. Well decide for your self… I still think: less is more. And: fantasy makes wonders…

Here I am again. I was in one of my favourite countrier: FRANCE! I went there on business to one of my favourite cities: VERSAILLES! Well favourite only because of the glorious chateaux. One of the greatest architectual and human masterpieces of the world.

I love going to France. People are nice, the coutry, even Paris smells so nice, and the people know how to live their life. Even if they are poor or not so fortunate in life, they seem to be happy. It's a terrible generalization and it is entirely possible that I just idealize the French and their culture. Which might have something to do that I grew up reading about the pinacle of their culture: Louis XIV and Versailles. Listening to, strangely enough, Bach.

Altar at the Chapelle Royale

Whilst being there I had a chance to go the the concert in the Chapelle Royale in the castle of Versailles. It was great being there and being a part of the audience in a place which one normaly just sees with 1000 othre turists as one of the visitors of the museum. Exciting!!

Anyway this is my photo story of the comming back home.


I left Versailles by train, the station called Montreuile.


When you take a train to Versailles from Gare St. Lazar - therefore Rove Droite, it means that you'll be traveling slightly above the city and this gives you a perect oportunity to see the whole Paris and see how big the Eiffel tower actually is. Remarcable. And it's still here since 1889. They wanted to destroy it after the World's Fair. It stands as the biggest building in Paris -320m and on the right hand side you can see the second tallest building - Tour Montparnasse with 210m. Impressive 7,300 tons of iron!


A typical Parisian house with the balconies - this one on Rue de Rome (where I went shopping for books and music):


From Gare St. Lazar I took a fabulous Paris metro to Gare du Nord:
e

There I took a train back home. A known red TGV train called Thalys:


The first stop of the train. The photo says all ;)


Well the rest of the trip was a bit of a bore. Train stops, train travel. And as soon as we came to the Lowlands it started to rain. Typical. Anyway, when I came to my hometown I forgot to take a pic for you. I was just anoyed by everything and could not wait to come back home where Cmoko was waiting and I could not wait to hug him for a long time and press my kiss-hungry lips to his warm mouth. Which is exactly what happened. And now we're just off to bed :P

I read news today, like I do every single day, unless I don't have access to media. Which I do, almost every day. And some days (like today, cause I'm still ill, goddamn-it!!!!) I spent a lot of time online. And because I have a laptop I’m in bed too. Which means that here and there I dose off a bit. ;))


And then I read horrid news about the following: 18-year-old boy was found guilty of sniper shooting (where else but in USA) and was sentenced for life imprisonment. OK fine.

Hang on: he was 17 when he did the crimes and those were: shooting spree in and around Washington DC. The shootings occurred at gas stations and in parking lots outside supermarkets, restaurants, and schools in a rough circular pattern around Washington. The victims were apparently selected at random, crossing racial, gender, and socioeconomic categories. The locations of the attacks always had close freeway access.
Malvo and Muhammad. Happy together? A father figure?

The boy’s name is Lee Boyd Malvo and had a very difficult childhood. Even though the defence tried to prove that the boy was brain-washed by a man called John Allen Muhammad, who was also found guilty and sentenced to death. The boy was looking for a father figure, but was reported to be of a very violent nature anyway.
Arrested Malvo

I was really disturbed by this. A boy of 17 who should be studying his maths and geography went around and killed 10 innocent people. Why? Did he think it was fun? He had nothing better to do that day, so let’s just kill some people? Did he really want $10 million? So would he then stop killing? Did he think that those people don’t deserve to live just because they are not Muslims? He didn’t really know they were not Muslims actually.

He had a hard life growing up, ok. But what is wrong with the society that breads people like this and men the like of Muhammad who take these young boys, give them rifles in the hands and say: here, shoot some people. We’ll have a jolly time. Bonding and all…
Even if he wanted bonding, trusted Muhammad, he could not really believe that killing 10 people and getting $10 million will make a world a better place. Firstly not, because people like these two live. Secondly $10 million does not even come close to begin making a world a better place.

I feel sorry for him, I really do. Perhaps he would have been a great economist, lawyer, artist, perhaps a politician, or just a good average citizen if he grew up in a different environment and came in contact with someone who would stimulate knowledge and goodness in him.

And then what will become of him? He will be in prison for the rest of his life. Becoming more even more violent and a bigger bastard. Will he live to be 30? I’m afraid not…


Poor victims. Doing whatever they were doing, suddenly shot dead on the floor. Had no idea what happened. Had no idea what they had comming. Pax vobiscum!

What I found out yesterday is, that it's more interesting to read the comments on the people's blogs than the original posts. Why would that be so?

Humans are communicating animals (well to be hones which animal isn't) and we live through interaction. Blog entries offer us a bone to chew on and then we go and write more or less inteligent comments... oh what fun :/

Well anyway, I suppose it has something to do with the fact that I have a really nasty cold. Goddamn it! Constant headache, blocked nose and my voice sound like as if I were a bear. Cmoko doesn't mind... :D

I think that the biggest pharmaceutical invention of the century would be an invention of an anti-cold pill. You begin to snease and caf (private joke; for those unfamilliar the proper word is cough) and start feeling all sicky - hop, you take the pill and voila, you're all fine and dashing as before.Alas and alac we'll have to wait and to be quite honest, I'd prefer if they developed pill against AIDS, cancer, Alzheimer etc ect...


My diet at the moment is: a pill of vitamine C and a pill of vitamine E, 6 pills of Echinacea, about 4 pills of paracetamol, gallons of tea and other beverages per day. And about 6 sprays of "Eau aromatique" for nose bought in a very fancy private pharmacy in Lyon. Which I start to doubt if it really works... it is supposed to unblock my sinuses, but they keep getting more and more full. hmmm Any other suggestions???



Anyway this is how my immediate surroundings looks like these days:

A certain experience from a few days ago made me think about a saying: behind every successful man there is a successful woman.

What made me think that? A very important woman in my life, Milady to be precise, took matters into her own hands and started doing things I was only talking about for ages. She made the whole plan of attack, drew deadlines, gave tasks to every one of us. Hurrah! I was just talking about it…

We need to realize that the more successful the man is, more successful the woman is also. He gets a promotion, she goes with him. And to be honest, the other way around to. But the trick is that they also bear almost no responsibilities. Fair enough.

And sometimes the women do take things completely into their hands. They become bosses. And my question is: why do they always have to dress like men? Jackets, trousers, some even wear ties. Why can they not be feminine? Do they think that they have to imitate men in order to appear authoritative? I don’t think so. It’s all in a personality. It’s all in self confidence, being certain we can do it.

I remember when I was young I loved seeing woman in charge of men. There was almost an erotic attraction to women in charge. Being all bossy and giving orders to men. Strange, since I knew I was gay already at the time, but there was still some fascination in seeing a successful woman. Perhaps also because it was such a rare sight... who knows?
I love this saying: There’s a difference between knowing the path and walking the path!

Stop thinking and start doing it. In order to know your dreams you have to wake up!

In the evening yesterday Cmoko and I finnished the last DVD of Lord of the Rings. To be precise: A film of LotR. There are still 6 DVDs of extras left though.

Let alone if we would want to listen to all of the films with all of the commentaries on. I think there are 7 per film. And if we count that on average the film lasts 3h50, that would mean that we'd need to spend before TV another 96 hours!!!! I'll spell it for ya: ninety-six hours. And again, that's without extras!! That's another week. And then I wander: who the hell is going to do all this!? Who has time to watch all that on a tv? Even to see all the films in an uncut for in a heroic action. But my Cmoko wanted all the 12 special-super-ladidah-edition. Now he's gotta see it all!! heh heh...
apart from the fact, that I cannot stand Frodo. I cannot stand his film portrayal: the bloke (Elijah Wood) bites his fingers, which is really disgusting, and he has about two facial expressions throughout the film. No: all 3 films! And then, and then he doesen't even want to let go od the goddamn ring. AAAAA!
Anyway, it doesen't matter. I really want to finnish the reading of the book. There are two problems: the book is at a friend's house, a friend I haven't seen in years (so I believe the book to be lost) and secondly I really have to time to read it. I have just enough time to read the things I have to read for my thesis.

I'm glad that Tolkien's wonderful mythology was put to film. :D

I just came back from my shopping. The best vegetables one can get around here are in Turkish or Moroccan shops. But they were all closed. Which I thought was very weird. They are usually open even after closing times, hehe, what do they care!

I realized - well not really, it was written on one of the shops: closed due to Bayram. Hmmm ok. I knew Ramadan and that is has been going for a while now, but had no idea that Bayram is.
Now I know: it's the end of Ramadan, and in Arabic it's called Eid ul-Fitr عيد الفط I could not resist the script in arabic, hehe. My very short version for those who don't know what that means, its an Islamic holiday that marks the end of Ramadan, the month of fasting. It's a very happy day for Muslims; It is a day of forgiveness, moral victory and peace, of congregation, fellowship, brotherhood and unity. Muslims are not only celebrating the end of fasting, but thanking God for the help and strength that they believe He gave them throughout the previous month to help them practice self-control. They usualy don't work (hence the closed shops) and visit friends and family, celebrating Bayram.


The truth : I had no idea what is was. And why do I write this? Because of all the things that go on in the world all the "problems" that we have with Muslims. But are tehy really problems? I myself am an atheist and am interested in many religions, from a social and cultural way. So I was bnaturally shocked that i know so little about Islam. The religion we talk about so much nowadaays and are so quick to criticize. But do we really know it? Can we be against something we don't even know?

The city (and it's a capital of a country within the European Union!) I come from has a problem with a mosque. But what is really the problem? Well, that there is none. And that the Muslims would like to have one. ONE. But people are against. Against what?!? The minarets that everyone will be able to see? The dome-type structure? The fact that it is a counrty of mainly Catholic religion?
No. Well, honestly all of the above, but the reason also is: we are affraid that they will train islamic terrorists on our soil. Please, it they wanted to do this, they don't need a mosque! Is that a good enough reason to forbid someone to worship in a proper enviroment? Perhaps. But just supposition is not good enough. Let's not turn into terrified Americans, please. Let's be more wise and give them a chance.

The problems with imigraton of other cultures is not in that they are different, the problems is that we don't know who they are. But do we take time to find out? Do we go inline and see what it means to be a Muslim, Catholic, Budhist...? At least on an academic level. I'm sure we would understand eachother more, there would be hence lees missunderstandings and we could live with one another with respect and in symbiosis.

And that does not only go for religion. It's a general rule for life. Try to find out more about your neighbour. I'm sure you'll understand him/her/them more.

After talking to all three Germans yesterday and another one today, I was told that it was the World Soccer Championship in Germany this summer '06 that made them more free as far as the use of their national flag goes. That they were not ashamed by being nationalistic and that they realized that they can also show their patriotic nature with such symbols as flag, without being labeled nazistic.

Am really happy for them. I'm sure it's difficult to get the weight of responsability off your chest.

To be quite honest, the one flag I really cannot stand at the moment is Stars and Stripes. I get shivers down my spine when I see it... Therefore no American flag on my blog!


OK I promise now to stop with the whole Germany business...

Gute nacht und schlaf gut!

Last night Cmoko and I went to a house-warming party. I love that expression. We made the house warm. mmmmmm

While there I started talking to three Germans. A rather dull conversation of the general: what do you do, how long have you lived here and the sort, was changed into a very interesting discussion. The whole scenario went a bit like this: A girl with a lip piercing asked me Where are you from. I go Slovenia. Aaaaa, ok. Then she asks the rest And you guys? Upon which they answer Germany. And she: Oh god, you're everywhere, Germans, aren't you?. I need to point out that the girl was from Austia. LOL of all the countries. But fine. This trigered one of the Germans (the girl whose name escapes me) to ask me, why do all foreigners hate Germany and Germans. A question I was a bit astonished by... I was silent for a while and in the mean time she uttered another thought: Why do we still have to pay for the things that happened 60 years and more ago!? Ahaaa, so this is the problem. I said that it certainly is not thaaaat bad and then she told me that while she was in Portugal a 16 year-old girl told her that because of her (being a German) her grand parents were killed!!! Oops...



But the whole question did not give me peace. Do we really not like Germans because of the wars? Do we not like them because they are punctual, work oriented, humorless, wealthy, the biggest nation in Europe, drive BMWs and Mercedes'?

But war did leave a big impact on the people and their perception. One of my grand-fathers was imprisoned in Dachau, his brother died in Ebensee in Austria. My other grand.father was in the partisans... For a long time I wanted to aks every German that I met, what did their ancesters do during the war. Now it does not matter aymore. I don't want to know. I know what mine did and I let it rest...

I do however get upset when people start to solicitor any kind of untolerance, be it sexual, rasist, national, religious, you name it...

Bottom line: I don't like all Germans, and I don't dislike them all. I love some and I don't care about the others. I love some English and could not care less about the others... I don't like someone just because that poor soul was born in a certain country. Daft.

We certainly do not live our life in an isolated universe. We exist through other people, who mirror us, who show us our real selves, who form us. These are firstly our parents, our friends and our partners. But this is all social theory that I would not like to preach. Is boring.

The point I would like to make is that everyone has (or should have) at least one person which is really close but is not intimately involved. Intimacy really spoils the deep friendship bond between two people. And no matter how we try not to take that into account things are never the same.

I was fortunate to develop a very strong friendship with Milady. It is really the hard times that bring people together, isn’t' it? One can have a lot of fun and numerous parties and still not develop a strong bond, but it is the people that witness us in the hardest of days that stay with us for a lifetime. And we with them. My relationship with Milady started with me feeling all miserable in January 2003 as I have described in (perhaps too) detailed way in the previous post. Not only that I left the safe cradle of my parent's home, I left Cmoko, I also went abroad to do something that I haven't really done before. I was on a totally new territory – 3 times new. And after the whole excitement was gone, I was left with bitterness and doubt and most of all: insecurity. No. Better: insecurities. And there were many of them of many different degrees. One of the reasons that I stayed here and did what I still do (and am the happiest person doing it) and be who I am is definitely the deed of the best friend I’ve ever had.
She's the one I can laugh to tears with, she's my harshest critic and does not spare a hard word when I'm stupid – that’s quite often too ;)) She's my biggest supporter in what I do and is ceaseless in putting me back to earth (either from the abyss or sky). During the hard day that I had there were two things keeping me above water: love to Cmoko and friendship to Milady. Not only that she served as my psychologist but also as someone I was able to have fun with and was able to make me see that my life is not dependent on my being with Cmoko. Something I also try to tell to others in the same position.

We all need someone special who is the one that smacks us in times when we are unable to be realistic enough to realize what is happening to us.

And now this pic that we’ve seen with Milady yesterday: it a Darth Vader in a 17th Century vestibule. We walked past by it and I thought it’s such a surreal situation… But you know that old Latin proverb: de gustibus non est disputandum.

I have been very bad lately... no posts at all. The reason or excuse was that I was really busy, then my phone/camera was fucking up and like on purpose did not want to take any photos, and now I have a problem with all those goddamn pictures that i have in the phone and cannot get rid of them. LOL

I was thinking the other day about the blogs... they are mainly read by other bloggers (don't you just love English - you can just invent a word and it sound as though it has been around for ages!!). What kind of people are we that we put things publicly and even more what kind of people are we that we read other's post, usually full of personal stuff, some real some fictional. I suppose we're all a bit exhibitionistic in one way of the other.

Which bring me to another subject: i read a post on one of the blogs about the following: he's in a great relationship and his boyfriend went for a business trip for four days and his world almost stopped. I started thinking about my own relationship and this is where this blog entry really begins:


I fell madly in love one winter day (and they say the spring is time to fall in love - I say bllllllll to that). We really fell in love on one specific moment which we both remember very clearly. We knew it was it. IT! We've been together ever since. All magnificent 5 years, 8 months and 12 days! Sublime. After a years and a half I decided though(even I always say it was OUR decision) that i move away. Away means 1200 (almost exactly) kilometres from him. I just had to pursue my dream and I'm lucky that he wanted me to pursue my dream too. The first separation was ok. We cried a bit, but I was too involved in my own selfish expectation of living in a foreign city with a different language and culture, adventures here I come! He came to visit and it was great. I still remember where it was how my room looked like and what my feeling were. Then the separation on the airport. Then me coming home for Christmas and New Year and the hardest separation ever. I did not want to leave, did not want to go back to that cold, rainy country to live without him. To wake up every morning without him, go to bed alone. To cook and eat alone, though knowing that far away there's someone I can share all these thing with. All my laughs, all my jokes, all my sadness and low moments. And all we had were sporadic phone calls, text messages and mails.
I had the worst time of my life. The January of 2003. I was actually hoping that something horrible would happen in the country, like an earthquake, a flood (which is here more likely), anything please, just so that I would have a reason to come home. Home to my Cmoko. I had constant pain in my solar plexus and could not sleep. I missed him so much and could not relax, could and would not live my own life. Did not want to be happy, because I believed the only time I can really be happy was with HIM. Then something happened. During yoga lessons I explained to my teacher what my situation was. She suggested that what I did is took a part of him - or that he gave a part of himself into me and that this is now disturbing my peace of mind. I went home and meditated. I sat on the floor and thanked him for the love that he is giving me. I thanked him for the piece of him that I carry around with me and told him that I don't need it. That it's his. That he should have it back. I asked him to take it back so that he be whole again, because that is how I love him - whole. I cried like a child. For hours. Next day I was better. And the day after also. Sometimes it came back and I always just observed it, looking at the pain and thanking it that it was there, because it made me remember what I have. And it always went away the next day. And sometimes it stayed for days. OK, I thought to myself. He will take it back again. And he always did.

I thought that the first separation will be the hardest and then it will get easier, that we will get used to it... illusions are of course by their nature sweet. Every time it was even harder. And after 3 years I promised myself that this is the last year we live this wretched life.... and of course it was not meant to be. We had to endure another year.

We both had to learn how to live without something we came to love so much. Without the touches, kisses, without the smell, smiles and the sound of the voice. Since the moment I cured myself I realized that I am not dependant on him. That love is not supposed to be kept in a little box somewhere, even though it is in the middle of your heart, but should be alive and out there. That love means being happy yourself and being happy making your loved one happy. That if I have fun and enjoy my time without him it does not mean that I don't love him anymore. And vice-versa.

Some people live apart for a very long time, we believe that 4 years was quite enough. And now since August we live together. In this cold, rainy and dark country. And you know what? It's not that rainy and cold and dark....

I love sunsets..... mmmmmmm

Ugh, long time no post. This whole project with a picture a day is not working out. Either I find nothing interesting to take a picture of, or i forget to do it...

Nothing much has been going on from Thursday. We had a really nice Saturday, were lying in bed until midday and had one of those magnificent morning sex. Then we went to the city and I bought some plants. 4 pots of Saintpaulias ionantas and then I read in my book about house plants - given to me by my mum and dad for my 14th birthday (and they did not suspect I was gay!?!?!), that there is a very special Saintpaulia called Rhapsody, but is cultivated in very limited amounts and the cultivation is very supervised. I WANT THAT ONE!

Then we went to buy some DVD's and I saw these two guys, that I have never seen before. What struck me is how they were dressed: completely alike!!! Both had white sneakers, dark blue jeans, brown jackets and grey jumpers with hoods. I was stunned. What makes people dress alike?? They were obviously not a couple, though that would not justify the deed in any way. Is it the sense of belonging that makes us dress the sam way? Is it the fashion guidelines that dictate us so much and we are unable or unwilling to go the other way? Or is it simply that the cheap companies like C&A, H&M, Zara, Mexx and the like just make the same type of cloaths and people feel they have to wear them?! I remember that years ago we were appaled by the Chinese communist grey uniforms that all the population was supposed to wear. Are we any better? Trully you don't think that the choise between dark blue and slightly paler shade of blue is any different.



Today Milady, Cmoko and I had a great trip out! We went to one of the most pleasant town in this country, the sun was warm and it was a perfect autumn day. Then we had a concert in one of the most amazing houses for only a handfull of people but it was really the sense of the old Schubertiade. The lady of the house was very nice indeed and made our stay after the concert really something special. Now I'm back home and just about to go to bed.

Two more pics.... on the first one you see a rather strange bulk of flesh on the pavement:
that's my Cmoko being silly in taking a photo!! You would be surprised to see to what lenghts he goes for a good photo :))))


The other one is just a reminder of a great town. We shall be back!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I love libraries!!! All that knowledge. Well sometimes a pile of crap too, but generaly tons and tons, meters and meters of books, all with different tenor, personality, wisdom or perhaps just plain old entertainment. And you just walking about, finding thing you never even thought they exist. Books like: Hyperfunctions on hypo-analytic manifolds, or Some approximations to the exact distribution of sample autocorrelations for autoregressive moving average models . I love them in German too, they sound sooo scientific Aspekte zeitgenössischer Realismustheorie : besonders des bundesdeutschen Sprachrealismus.
And then the ones I love to read: Pippi Longstocking or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Heh heh. But seriously (apart from the fact that the two books above are amazing). I just love to browse through books and find things I never thought I'd know. And now I do. I might forget it in two days, but that's beside the point. :)) Everyone should have a passion for something. Mine in knowledge. mmmmmmm boooooooks

Cmoko came back on Sunday and we spent long time hugging and kissing and then talking about what went on during the weekend. It was just like it's supposed to be. He came home. Home to me. Home to us! And it was great being at home and waiting for him. Hearing his keys in the house doors and pretending I watch a film when he came in. Getting out of the sofa and hug his body with cold cloaths on! Kissing his cold lips and warming them up with mine. The wedding was great and they stayed up till 6AM, so he was naturally somewhat tired. But we still did not manage to go to bed till 1AM.

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Liebling, I just want to kick his arse to the Moon! Men are wankers and mostly just a fucking irritating fuckmachines. Egoistic fuckwits that only care about themselves and usually think with their bottom head. Mostly they are hypochondriacs, feeling sorry for themselves AT ALL times and cry a fucking river when it doesn't go their way. I know: I am one! ;) But what can we do? The old abused saying is soooo correct: cannot live with them and is even worse without them.

What is it in the male-female behaviour that makes them misread so many signs? Tons of books have been written on the subject and there still does not seem to be aby different. Perhaps they are just full of shit. Perhaps it's just the it's supposed to be. A big mess. I don't know. Perhaps it's easier with same-sex relationships. Who knows. Do you?

Anyway this is a pic of a music I do now. I love it! I love French music. Is so sensual and dancelike. I watched one of my favourite films not long ago with three of my favourite things: Louis XIV, dance and music. If you're into culture and history you have to see "le roi dance" with gorgeous Benoit Magimel (Cmoko is crazy about him) as Le roi soleil. I think I really need to go to live to France. Either I will love it, or start hating it completely.

Was weird waking up and getting out of bed without Cmoko. To have breakfast alone. Felt so lonsome the whole day. Did not feel like the years before when I was here alone. Felt somehow even more strange. But am happy since he comes back tomorrow. Yupiiiii. Apparently the wedding was a success. Did not hear of a big fiasco and the couple is not thinking about the divorce.heh heh Which is great.

Was looking at the wedding rings online today. We have the rings chosen already, and I wanted to see them again. So I went to check it online. And then I saw it!! Oh my god, there it is!! WOW And then I saw another one and went: no, it's this one. And then another one that looked almost the same as the first two. Goddam, I have no idea now anymore which one is THE one. uaaaaaa... and I thought that I'd recognise it the moment i'd see it. Oh well. I bet the photos are really pants. And when I see it live it'll all come clear like a nice sunny spring day.

Had a great dinner with Liebling and Monsieur Baker, and had a discussion about the Wednesday missunderstanding with Milady. Well sometimes friends act like absolute wankers and sometimes the patterns from the past make us react in a certain way. In order to change that we would really have to work hard on our social skills, but who is ever prepared to do so. Well I am... trully. It's worth fighing for people one cares about!

Still no photos, will be uploaded on Sunday... when Cmoko comes home, hurrah!

Well I made a really nice pic, but cannot put it on the blogg. The reason is as follows: after starting to live together on August 14th, it's the first time that we're not sleeping together. Cmoko went home today, to attend his Uncle's wedding. To be a best-man. My my, his first wedding and a best-man too! And he took the cable with him, or so it seems... hmmm... well I reckon I'll add it later.


Today started with Cmoko's leave. It was not 10 minutes after he left the house that my phone rang. The trains to the airport were cancelled and he needed information of how to get there a.s.a.p. He managed to be there on time and not miss the plane, and it took me to get to my destination in 1h30min, though it usually takes me 40 min.

Had a very very nice talk with Milady, over a glass of wine and some tapenades. Like the good old days. I love her! And she gained to much selfconfidence and is the woman of the moment! She cuts the rug! Which I hope and pray (a bit strange for an atheist) will last very looooong time.
Then I went through the city on foot, it was a nice and warm autumn evening. I ended in a shop buying some Armani underwear and gorgeous fine leather gloves. mmmm cannot wait for winter! heh heh

The feeling of Cmoko not being there was very strange. I was still not home, but just the fact that he's not going to be at home when I come there was very bizzare. Though I lived my life like that for four years, sending him text-messages about what I'm doing. We get used to things so quickly it never cease to amaze me.
I realized how much I love him and how much I need him to be with me, not only phychically but also psysically.

Some years ago a friend at the time - we grew apart thence - said to me that it's not healthy that I need him so much, that it makes me addicted and no addiction is good. I dissagree. I LOVE this addiction! I cannot live without it and if this is my only addiction and my only drug, I'm really happy to be a drug addict!

Cmoko, have a great time tomorrow, don't fcuk it up too much on the wedding (in style of forgeting, loosing or throwing rings all over the church). And then come back to your Medo, who loves you so much.

Nočko!

To be honest I did not want to publish anything yesterday. Was a nice easy day, did some practise on Sibelius and Lully (can it get more diverse?). The reason for not posting was dinner that I had with Milady and Liebling. Or rather afterdinner talk. Was I being unreasonable by talking to them openly like I believe it should be between friends. I was still under impression of the evening and wanted some distance.
How far can one go in commenting other people's relationships? I guess not to far. The thing is even people who are most sure about their relationship cannot stand constant critique about them. I know - I was there. Not that anybody criticized my relationship with Cmoko, but there were a lot of things going around me with other couples: fights, break-ups, getting togethers... and I automatically refered everything to my relationship.
This situation now is somewhat different. I believe naively that sex in a relationship comes after a development of strong feelings towards someone. Can a good relationship start from sex? I guess it can. Who am I to say no? Who am I to cast doubts on someone's relationship? No one! And that's how it will stay.

A very importatnt decission from yesterday's talk: speak only when asked. Even among friends. I believe this puts distance between people which is bad. But things might change in future too.

And another decission: don't be jealous of friends who want the same thing you already have. I'm blessed to have him. And would not give him for the world...

Girls, I'm so happy about both of you, I just don't want you to get hurt. I know it's a very fatherly attitude and I don't want to be like that to you. Love you both so much. Go girls. Will be getting my tux out soon, hehe... I'm here in either development of events! big kiss

Nothing important today. Was cosy in the morning with Cmoko in bed, got up at 11 again. Grrrrr... but chuffed at the same time. Did some shopping and got that jacket, hurrah!!! Finally.

I did something important after all. Gave Cmoko a haircut!! Needs to be said that he's a very brave man, letting me do it, haha. Already before moving here he insisted that I will have to do it. So I had lessons on Cmoko from my hairdresser back home. A great hairdresser and a marvelous man, husband of my friend. Since Cmoko is not inclined to any complications (unlike some others I know, heh heh) that makes my work somewhat easier. All I have to do is use an electric razor. But please, if you think that it's easy just buzzing about someone's head and voila! there's a nicely trimmed hairdo, think again! That's why I had to do it about 3 times and almost run out of hair... poor Cmoko. And even worse, since he has to look absolutely spiffing on his uncle's wedding on Saturday! What a pressure! Well the final product is nice, somewhat short (khm), but very nice for the first unsupervised hairdo, even if I say so myself. I'll have a next go in about two months. Or rather three at this lenght of hair... ;))

Had a very nice diner at our house with Mme. la Princesse. It was nice seeing her other then only on business. Funny how people are different when they speak a foreign language. Some people change completely. The become more reserved and held back. I wish Cmoko could speak French... oh well, cannot have it all, ah?

This is a perfect photo of how I felt today. I had a very good conversation with my sister this morning about my parents and their relationship to me. It's all fine as long as it's only me on my own. As soon as I "present" myself with Cmoko, problems arise. I felt depressed and was down mainly because I think that these things should be over and dealt with already. I've been gay my whole life; I had girlfriends to fit into the picture frame of the society I lived in and the one of my parent. As children we always seem to want to please. I wanted even more so. Perhaps because I knew that it will all come out once and Lo! beware thunder and lightning. It was not as bad as I expected, but I lived abroad already one year before I came out to my parents.
Anyway, things seem to be getting nowhere at the moment. As I said, if I come alone is all fine and we're all a happy family, if I mention Cmoko a bit less so, and if I want him to come too, there's trouble. I cannot and will not stand this belittlement. Everyone knows I'm gay, all my family all my friends, only my parents want to act as though it's not really true. All my cousins and my sister always bring partners or spouses to familly gatherings. No one even considers even to think about the fact that I would also want to bring Cmoko along (not that he would be very happy to go anyway - can't blame him). To them I'm supposed to be single, though not quite, since everyone knows I do have a partner. And that he's male. A bizzare situation.
Today it all started because of my mum's birthday celebration preparations and she had no intention whatsoever to invite Cmoko. After being with him for well over 5 years I find this unexceptable! My sister stepped in and she's now the mediator, or so it seems. She's a very wise and prudent woman and knows how to play these games. I usually just explode and then we fight. We will see what will happen in the end. Am really intrigued.
I am prepared to go all the way, I really am. This is no longer a juvenile fling I have. I will not change. If my parents have problem with this, they should solve it. Seek help. I don't know. I had my share of battles getting into terms with my homosexuality. I layed down arms long ago and am a man of peace now. This is how I intend to stay.

So a black day, but with two nice bright rays. It's never just black is it? :)))

I was away yesterday almost the whole day. Well, left house with Cmoko at 9AM and got back to the house at 1AM. I had two concert recitals on one day, which is somewhat a lot. One at 12 in a house of a reall gentelman and his sweet wife. It's great to be around people you hardly know and are old enough to be your grand-parents, but are so nice and there's such a good and friendly connection from the very start. The key to this is: respect. Something my parents cannot understand. My mother and father still cannot accept I'm gay and my mum keeps putting forward it's due to the generation gap. And there I was with Cmoko, at a house of people old enough to be my parent's parents and all that did not matter. What matters is how one is open and how much respect there is. And respect in a two-way road. You give some, you get some. You give a lot - you receive a lot. Sure, I'm not these old people's child, but why should that matter? Why should my parents have a problem with that. What are they afraid of???

Anyway, after the concert they took the three of us (me, Cmoko and Milady) over a river on one of those oldfashioned boats. It was great. I love little surprises like this!! Hurrah. We had so much fun, though the trip only lasts about 3 minutes, haha. Not to mention the climb on a mountain later. 5000 high. 5000cm.... heh heh!

The second concert was great too and the dinner after it even better... mmm love good gourmet food. "Mljac mljac" as my friend likes to put it. After that we were all pretty knackered. But it was a great Sunday. One to remember.

Weird day today. Went to bed at one and had to get up at 8AM. I love snoozing with my Cmoko by my side. Just to be aware that he is there, next to me in bed and all wraped up in the duvet. So that I can wrap myself around him too and fall asleep for anther 10 minutes. And then the radio starts again. Argh!

Took the train and tried to read, but was alas! not distracted by another interesting man, but by my sleep. I could not practise well and also the rehearsal was not my best ever. But hey, you cannot have it all, ah?

Went to the concert of a choir and was really nice. It's strange being in a foreign country listening to a choral music of your homeland. Give a special kind of feeling. Music really evokes the most hidden and private emotions. If you're open enough for that.

After coming home Cmoko, having bought another 5 CDs - two operas, started putting them in order. And he wants everything alphabetically (and so do I to be honest), which with a growing amount of composers in our discoteque presents a bit of a problem. Which results - as you can clearly see - in rearranging the whole cd shelf. Some people have time on their hands ;))

CMOKO, LJUBIM TE!

I saw a great guy on the train today. He almost came and sit with me, but he went to sit next to an older women just across the aisle. Which was very good - gave me more possobilities to observe him. He was (well still is) blond, tall and very cute. But it was not his being handsome that cought my attention. The whole time of my travel I tried to read a book, but was constantly distracted by his energy. I have no idea how old he was; could be 25 and looked more mature or mid thirties but looked youger. I guess it was his selfawarness, confidence, complete peace that was so remarcable. His warmt and kindness. I was really happy I saw him. Have no idea how old he is, where he's from, what's his name, how his voice sounds... Don't want to know all these things... I got a glimps of his good energy and felt great.


Of course I have not taken a pic of him, that would be so wrong. He'll stay in my memory for a while. So as fleeting as the 15 min we were on the same train, such the photo from my window.

Yesterday was such a great day, sunny and warm. We had coffee and we talked about the very important stuff about you and your love life and how to go on. How my lovelive worked out during a four-year-old long-distance relationship and how important it is to know oneself. How can one love another if one doesn't even know who one is? How can you love somebody if that person does not know who he/she is?! How much is one supposed to give oneself in love and is one supposed to expect anything in return, or do we do thing in love completely selflessly? If so, why do we not all do the same. Does that mean that the other love less or not at all. How do we treat people that have been once burned in love?!? Ah, it was a great! Ich hab' dich sooo lieb, aber du weisst dass... kusschen!

So, finally after about two hours of reading manuals and messing about with both my phone and computer I somehow miraculously managed to get pictures from my phone to the computer and consenquently to my blog. Uf uf uf... what work!!

So firstly the photo from two days ago. I had a really good rehearsal and I was really really happy with the work. So I wanted to have sth to remind me of that. Hence the piano (and a bit my my pianist's foot, hehe).

I love the sight of a piano keyboard. Almost as much as I do the one of harpsichord. I love the great mathematical precission of keys and it's unequal equal distribution. And the harmonious beauty of the two oposits: white and black.

So, i took two photos one of two days ago and one for yesterday, but have no idea of how to put them on the page... hehehe. typical...

I've decited to take a photo a day and make some kind of photo diary and then post it to my blog. With a commentary. Well, we'll see if i can really make it a photo a day. If not, as the French say: tant pis!

Hmm, no photo today, was too busy shopping. Not much of a start, ah?

Does it ever happen to you that you go shopping for a specific thing and you end up buying shit load of other stuff, forgeting about that one thing that made you go out of the house? Well, today was one of those days. Buying books and kitchen stuff, so my Cmoko can cook better, buying DVDs and not the CD's we wanted to buy. Or that jacket from D&G. Damn. Well tomorrow is another day I reckon and shops are still opened.

On second thought I'll just post a pic from my comp and start the show. It's when Cmoko and I went to the beach on a lovely Sunday afternoon and pissed about with his new hi-tech phone. This is what came out and for the first try it's a nice pic...